I’m 5440 zombies into that ridiculous overall kills achievement in Left4Dead, and I’ve begun to wonder… what is it about COMPLETELY failing at life that makes you an awesome zombie. There are thousands of everyday people and they all turn into everyday zombies. However, it seems that if you:

A. Smoke so much that your lung cancer has lung cancer
B. Are morbidly obese
C. Have taken enough steroids for two baseball teams
D. Are a woman………….. that runs around in your underwear
E. Are homeless???????

you get to become the most awesome of zombies. Change your lifestyle now before the zombie apocalypse arrives and you could become one the “special infected.” Let’s review your possible future! In MSPaint!

The Smoker

There is no escape!

This guy has wall hax. He could find you in the middle of Atlanta in rush hour traffic. More than once, I’ve had to run around entire buildings to find the source of the creepy pink tongue.

The Hunter

Who is this enigma?

I don’t know much about this guy. Is he homeless? Is he Louis? Am I racist? *shrug* All I know is while he never fails to scare me, he never fails to get beat to death by a propane tank.

The Witch

Can you say emo?

What the hell is her problem? I suspect bipolar disorder. One minute you’re trying to comfort her (the first and last time you attempt this), the next minute she’s slashing out your jejunum.

The Boomer

This is the worst drawing ever...

That is a terrible drawing. I don’t really have much to say about the boomer… he does make me laugh, though, when he decides to plummet off a building into a satisfying explosion. By the way, did anyone else find the mess in the basement of that house in Blood Harvest a little over the top?

The Tank

Teh tank is a cool guy.

What’s not to like? I think the tank is the most misunderstood zombie in the game. Remember the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover?” Well, “Don’t judge a rage-filled roid monkey by his rage-filled roid monkey exterior.” I admit he comes on a little strong, but he’s just got issues like everyone else. I think he just wants to play catch or something, and all you assholes keep on shooting him.

If you liked this article, check out Our awesome review from a 9 year old!