I really want to see some men with baby heads walking around though, preferably mowing the yard or shopping for alcoholic beverages. Hell, I just want to see it. Anybody up for the task?

via [beefandsage.com]

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This is pretty much the first 10 minutes of the movie:

I love the 80s

Nada, Pipper’s character, drifts, because that’s what drifters do.  He gets a job working construction, which is really just an excuse for him to take off his shirt to show his sweet pecs.  He then follows one of his fellow construction workers home, which turns out to be a shanty town left up from the great depression.  It’s a great way to save on rent from what I heard.

Then the shanty town gets demolished by the evil bad cops, and Pipper finds some awesome glasses.  Except these are the kind of awesome glasses that makes you hallucinate and see the hidden messages behind advertising.  Oh, and apparently half the population of L.A. are aliens, which is also revealed by these magical glasses.

Damn Commies.

 
Of course, he does what any normal person would do in this situation. That is, he kills some cops.

They were probably bad guys...

He then proceeds to the nearest bank, where he kills some more people.  Oh yeah, remember Duke Nukem? And that line, “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum”?  Yeah, that was totally from this movie.

After this point, he gets thrown out of a window by a woman, has a 6 minute long improv no-holds-bar fight with his construction buddy, and then joins a rebel group, where the chick that pushed him out of a window earlier also happens to shows up.  

All the while, the same 30 second spaghetti western background music loops, setting the mood for the movie.

It's easy, just hit up up down down left right left right B A!

In 80s action movie fashion, he shoots about ten thousand bullets from a machine gun in an attempt to escape from the aliens when they attack the rebel base.  He escapes with his construction buddy and conveniently ends up in the alien’s base.  The chick inconspicuously shows up there too.  On the way to blow up the tv antenna that conceals the aliens identities, *SPOILER ALERT* the chick turns on Pipper, but he shoots her in the chest and blows up the antenna, while at the same time getting gunned down from a helicopter.  Bummer.

On the plus side, he saved humanity from being unknowing slaves by revealing everybody that was an alien!  On the down side, they are probably just going to bomb the shit out of this planet and count their loses.

THE END.

If you want some more mspaint shenanigans, check out this in depth look at what drives the infected!

A. Smoke so much that your lung cancer has lung cancer
B. Are morbidly obese
C. Have taken enough steroids for two baseball teams
D. Are a woman………….. that runs around in your underwear
E. Are homeless???????

you get to become the most awesome of zombies. Change your lifestyle now before the zombie apocalypse arrives and you could become one the “special infected.” Let’s review your possible future! In MSPaint!

The Smoker

There is no escape!

This guy has wall hax. He could find you in the middle of Atlanta in rush hour traffic. More than once, I’ve had to run around entire buildings to find the source of the creepy pink tongue.

The Hunter

Who is this enigma?

I don’t know much about this guy. Is he homeless? Is he Louis? Am I racist? *shrug* All I know is while he never fails to scare me, he never fails to get beat to death by a propane tank.

The Witch

Can you say emo?

What the hell is her problem? I suspect bipolar disorder. One minute you’re trying to comfort her (the first and last time you attempt this), the next minute she’s slashing out your jejunum.

The Boomer

This is the worst drawing ever...

That is a terrible drawing. I don’t really have much to say about the boomer… he does make me laugh, though, when he decides to plummet off a building into a satisfying explosion. By the way, did anyone else find the mess in the basement of that house in Blood Harvest a little over the top?

The Tank

Teh tank is a cool guy.

What’s not to like? I think the tank is the most misunderstood zombie in the game. Remember the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover?” Well, “Don’t judge a rage-filled roid monkey by his rage-filled roid monkey exterior.” I admit he comes on a little strong, but he’s just got issues like everyone else. I think he just wants to play catch or something, and all you assholes keep on shooting him.

If you liked this article, check out Our awesome review from a 9 year old!

I got a new game, it’s about zombies and blood and guns! SWEET.

This is the logo.  If that doesn’t scare you, I don’t know what would.

He should probably get that looked at.

I started the game!  After waiting twenty minutes for the files to unlock.  Then I shot some zombies in the head!  BOOM! BLAM! AWESOME!  I even get to play with other people online!  Here is a picture of my new friend:

Francis helps me by giving me a round of buckshot.

He shot me.  I wasn’t even close to the zombies…Maybe he is not my friend after all?

Just a normal day in New York City.

I shot Francis back, that loser.  That will make him think twice before shooting me.  Then a smoker catches me, and then a man in a hoodie jumped me at the same time, and I died :(  I don’t smoke because smoking is gross.  I bet the man in a hoodie is part of a gang.  I learned about gangs at school.  I’ll bet Louis knows him.

Is Edward Norton getting royalties for this?

Then I got smashed by a big zombie, called a tank.  When I grow up, I want to be a tank, then nobody can pick on me!  I noticed they put my uncle in this game, he’s the one vomiting with no shirt on.  My uncle scares me.

My mom says I have to stop playing this game or I’ll wet the bed again.

I rate this game 5/5 BRAINS!!!

If you liked this article, check out this indepth look at what drives the infected!

For example, the other day I was driving back through a construction zone. Naturally, there was an orange diamond shaped sign labelled “Workers.” But that is not what my mind saw.

It's actually WOOKIEES but this fit better

For a moment, my heart stopped, and my mind raced for answers. What do I do if I see a wookie? They didn’t cover this in driver’s ed. I mean… they talked about road rage. They said to stay in your car. But that doesn’t work when a raging wookiee can pull you straight through your windshield.

FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Luckily, the sign actually said workers. And workers don’t stress me out as much as wookiees. Here in Illinois, I believe the fine for hitting a worker is around $10,000-$15,000 and 14 years in jail. Something like that. Totally not worth hitting a road worker. I don’t think there ever was a good reason to hit a worker in the first place.

Can you imagine the fine for hitting a wookiee, though? That has to be at least $50,000. Can you put a price on a wookiee’s life? Somehow I feel wookiees don’t place much importance in money. I don’t know if they have a stable currency. I bet if you hit a wookiee, that sort of thing would sort itself out.

The car is the least of your worries.

This whole train of thought brings up a lot of unnecessary questions. Numerous motorvehicle versus wookiee accidents would probably hurt foreign intergalactic relations between the US and Kashyyyk, the wookiees’ home planet. Just remember to watch out when you’re driving. Expect the unexpected. If you’re prepared for a rogue wookiee, you’ll probably be ready for anything aside from a death star attack– or a drunk driver.

PEW PEW