A. Smoke so much that your lung cancer has lung cancer
B. Are morbidly obese
C. Have taken enough steroids for two baseball teams
D. Are a woman………….. that runs around in your underwear
E. Are homeless???????

you get to become the most awesome of zombies. Change your lifestyle now before the zombie apocalypse arrives and you could become one the “special infected.” Let’s review your possible future! In MSPaint!

The Smoker

There is no escape!

This guy has wall hax. He could find you in the middle of Atlanta in rush hour traffic. More than once, I’ve had to run around entire buildings to find the source of the creepy pink tongue.

The Hunter

Who is this enigma?

I don’t know much about this guy. Is he homeless? Is he Louis? Am I racist? *shrug* All I know is while he never fails to scare me, he never fails to get beat to death by a propane tank.

The Witch

Can you say emo?

What the hell is her problem? I suspect bipolar disorder. One minute you’re trying to comfort her (the first and last time you attempt this), the next minute she’s slashing out your jejunum.

The Boomer

This is the worst drawing ever...

That is a terrible drawing. I don’t really have much to say about the boomer… he does make me laugh, though, when he decides to plummet off a building into a satisfying explosion. By the way, did anyone else find the mess in the basement of that house in Blood Harvest a little over the top?

The Tank

Teh tank is a cool guy.

What’s not to like? I think the tank is the most misunderstood zombie in the game. Remember the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover?” Well, “Don’t judge a rage-filled roid monkey by his rage-filled roid monkey exterior.” I admit he comes on a little strong, but he’s just got issues like everyone else. I think he just wants to play catch or something, and all you assholes keep on shooting him.

If you liked this article, check out Our awesome review from a 9 year old!

I got a new game, it’s about zombies and blood and guns! SWEET.

This is the logo.  If that doesn’t scare you, I don’t know what would.

He should probably get that looked at.

I started the game!  After waiting twenty minutes for the files to unlock.  Then I shot some zombies in the head!  BOOM! BLAM! AWESOME!  I even get to play with other people online!  Here is a picture of my new friend:

Francis helps me by giving me a round of buckshot.

He shot me.  I wasn’t even close to the zombies…Maybe he is not my friend after all?

Just a normal day in New York City.

I shot Francis back, that loser.  That will make him think twice before shooting me.  Then a smoker catches me, and then a man in a hoodie jumped me at the same time, and I died   I don’t smoke because smoking is gross.  I bet the man in a hoodie is part of a gang.  I learned about gangs at school.  I’ll bet Louis knows him.

Is Edward Norton getting royalties for this?

Then I got smashed by a big zombie, called a tank.  When I grow up, I want to be a tank, then nobody can pick on me!  I noticed they put my uncle in this game, he’s the one vomiting with no shirt on.  My uncle scares me.

My mom says I have to stop playing this game or I’ll wet the bed again.

I rate this game 5/5 BRAINS!!!

If you liked this article, check out this indepth look at what drives the infected!