A. Smoke so much that your lung cancer has lung cancer
B. Are morbidly obese
C. Have taken enough steroids for two baseball teams
D. Are a woman………….. that runs around in your underwear
E. Are homeless???????

you get to become the most awesome of zombies. Change your lifestyle now before the zombie apocalypse arrives and you could become one the “special infected.” Let’s review your possible future! In MSPaint!

The Smoker

There is no escape!

This guy has wall hax. He could find you in the middle of Atlanta in rush hour traffic. More than once, I’ve had to run around entire buildings to find the source of the creepy pink tongue.

The Hunter

Who is this enigma?

I don’t know much about this guy. Is he homeless? Is he Louis? Am I racist? *shrug* All I know is while he never fails to scare me, he never fails to get beat to death by a propane tank.

The Witch

Can you say emo?

What the hell is her problem? I suspect bipolar disorder. One minute you’re trying to comfort her (the first and last time you attempt this), the next minute she’s slashing out your jejunum.

The Boomer

This is the worst drawing ever...

That is a terrible drawing. I don’t really have much to say about the boomer… he does make me laugh, though, when he decides to plummet off a building into a satisfying explosion. By the way, did anyone else find the mess in the basement of that house in Blood Harvest a little over the top?

The Tank

Teh tank is a cool guy.

What’s not to like? I think the tank is the most misunderstood zombie in the game. Remember the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover?” Well, “Don’t judge a rage-filled roid monkey by his rage-filled roid monkey exterior.” I admit he comes on a little strong, but he’s just got issues like everyone else. I think he just wants to play catch or something, and all you assholes keep on shooting him.

If you liked this article, check out Our awesome review from a 9 year old!

For example, the other day I was driving back through a construction zone. Naturally, there was an orange diamond shaped sign labelled “Workers.” But that is not what my mind saw.

It's actually WOOKIEES but this fit better

For a moment, my heart stopped, and my mind raced for answers. What do I do if I see a wookie? They didn’t cover this in driver’s ed. I mean… they talked about road rage. They said to stay in your car. But that doesn’t work when a raging wookiee can pull you straight through your windshield.

FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Luckily, the sign actually said workers. And workers don’t stress me out as much as wookiees. Here in Illinois, I believe the fine for hitting a worker is around $10,000-$15,000 and 14 years in jail. Something like that. Totally not worth hitting a road worker. I don’t think there ever was a good reason to hit a worker in the first place.

Can you imagine the fine for hitting a wookiee, though? That has to be at least $50,000. Can you put a price on a wookiee’s life? Somehow I feel wookiees don’t place much importance in money. I don’t know if they have a stable currency. I bet if you hit a wookiee, that sort of thing would sort itself out.

The car is the least of your worries.

This whole train of thought brings up a lot of unnecessary questions. Numerous motorvehicle versus wookiee accidents would probably hurt foreign intergalactic relations between the US and Kashyyyk, the wookiees’ home planet. Just remember to watch out when you’re driving. Expect the unexpected. If you’re prepared for a rogue wookiee, you’ll probably be ready for anything aside from a death star attack– or a drunk driver.

PEW PEW